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Monday, May 29, 2006
dont ask me why but i quit my job.

yes, i am a loser! haha. but i am a free loser now. :/
gosh, i am so reluctant to go for work. i just feel like being an irresponsible person and just not turn out for work. gosh, i dont know why i made such a hasty decision but i guess i will give it a shot. (:

i think i will go sleep again. i couldnt sleep the whole night. (:
Saturday, May 27, 2006
FARISA IS MY LIFESAVIOUR!!!!! (:
thanks to alvin, pris and her for encouragement and support. (: i nearly died of heart attack as i pressed the click button.

it is not my will, but Yours be done

of all the bad things that has happened so far, i thank YOU that you did not allow this to fall away too. you knew that this could either make or break me and you chose to be gracious onto me. i can finally see the light, not because you have blessed me but because you allowed me to trust on you no matter what happens.

i press on towards the prize...

do what you need to do. yes, i am doing this for myself and for my family. i will work even harder. (:
work ytd wasnt too bad. i was surprised by how fast time flew but it was a rather hectic day - picking up calls, attending to customers, signing forms etc. but it was good and the people there are really nice. i wont mind doing it again. (:

and i had to wear painful shoes to work. actually, there were new but i was getting blisters just from walking. argh. :D

;

off to meet marianne and sue at tm. another long day ahead. i need to enjoy last two days of holidays before work starts on mon.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
TIRED TIRED TIRED. i have no idea why i am tired when i slept so much today. gosh, work starts tomorrow. it is not like i am looking forward for it but i have no choice because i am so BROKE!

cartel with peetard. she was feeling so sick that we cut short on our 'date'. she nearly puked out and she gave me a fright. HAHA. i predicted that she had gastric flu and it came true after seeing the doctor. oops. (:

time to sleep.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
gosh, i am actually going to be a sales assistant at suntec GG/5. hahah. clara and i went for the ness's sale at ps and we got approached. so yup, i am starting work on monday while she is still deciding whether she wants to quit her job. yes, it is going to be the experience of my lifetime. i am not sure how am i going to stand for long hours. hahaha. i hope i can get out of the job if i really cant take it. yup, i need to think of the money and experience above the sufferings. hahaha.

okay, i need to enjoy this weekend before it is all over. i need to get more black tops. i need to wear all black for work and i only have two tops. i will prob wear and change after work, come back and wash and wear all over again. yes, i stink but i have no choice because i am too broke to buy new tops. :D
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
thank You for everything. that step of faith meant alot to me. (: i am learning from scratch and everything is so new to me. but yup, it was a good day today. (:

;

got a one day job at sing post prudential. i am going back there to be a receptionist again. it seems so familiar, like i was there last year doing the same job. haha. yipee.

;

bugis with mingyan. found out that sarah is working at icon. haha. it was a good day shopping. yan and i got pretty toenails now. ooooh, i love my colour. (:

;


i have leaned on a wisdom of men
oh Lord, please forgive me
and i have responded to them
instead of Your light and Your mercy
but now, oh Lord, i see my wrong
heal my heart and show yourself strong
and in my eyes and in my song
oh Lord be magnified
Monday, May 22, 2006
i am sorry for saying 'i hate you.'
i am sorry for not even apologizing.
i am sorry for saying that ' i want to walk alone now.'
i am sorry for just being a jerk.

in a moment of anger, i lost it. i lost all reasoning and i lost all my respect for myself. every moment seems to be a struggle for me and i cant get out of this cycle. gosh, i wish it could end quick. i wish i could see the light soon. i hate writing such entries in the first case but yet, it is the only way that i can get it out of myself.

pls pray.

;

i have made you too small in my eyes
oh lord, forgive me.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
and I feel just like i'm living someone else's life
it's like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right

let me go home
i'm just too far from where you are
i wanna come home


;

i thank God for alvin. i thank God for the talks that we have and i have learnt so much from this brother-in-christ of mine.

so nothing is said and nothing is being done. i am numb and i feel forlon. today's service really spoke to me. there was peace and there was silence between me and God. i just wish it could last a little longer.

i know YOU chose to walk away from me to make me learn something. pls grant me the words to pray. the walk back to you was never meant for myself,it is simply for You.
be still and know that He is God.

;

everything in its time


but your glory is what i desire to see
and in your presence is where i long to be
Saturday, May 20, 2006
i give up.

perhaps you are right, it is not about you, me or the system.just do what you need to do. i will truly respect your final decisions.
even if i know i cant face it, God will grant me the ability to. we were all meant to grow up to adapt and i will move on. it pains you and it pains me too and i am sorry i cant understand from your point of view. i will just keep praying for you all, nothing more and nothing less.

i am done.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Gosh, i am still sick lah. haha. jeff and i are really unlucky people. he is down with high fever and i am still having a bad flu. haha. but the sleepover is still on and i cant wait for it as much as i feel like dying. hahah. (:

shoutouts to two people :

1)PEETARD. (:



PEETARD!!! thanks for everything. (: study hard and stop slacking. i cant wait to meet up with you and TFF. (:

2) LANG JIN HOU.



YOU. the meetups were great. more to come, dumbie. love ya. pls go to melbourne and get me jellybeans. hahaha. (:

;

wont be back for two days to update. tata.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
badminton today. i realised how much i miss playing the sport. i am glad choi came up with the badminton recreational idea. i think ruth and i may want to go back to PL and trained with the juniors. and i had to see mr kim at hougang sports hall today.

lunch with clara. it was good, dude. i love leaving you confused. unoe i am still hopeful about your future plans. will continue to pray for you. (:

;

so much for the expected. some times it is just better to not expect anything. i am feeling so freaking sick right now. it is time to hit the bed.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Some jc moments that i found in my old blog...

pls do not mind my old weird AH LIAN english.

"..fifi totally embarrassed himself ..haha..we laughed till our stomach damn pain..he a little blur lahx..mistook the neoprint curtain for a solid wall, so he tot he could lean on one side..haha.then he fell lahx..wah lau..he fall so funny..then no one went to help him..we juz LAUGHED..kind of mean.."

"haha..we wanted to play hide and seek at ps but we din so in the end we went to mustafa ..haha..the place there..so crowded..haha..then all the indians were like looking at us..haha..felt so transparent..haha..that place is soo not my kind...too many....hahah"

"wah lau..todae, the whole class suan me damn bad until my face turned red lohx..haha..cuz of Tim lahx..todae having break then was sitting down chatting then tim came down the steps ..wah lau..instant reaction of firdaus was "TIMOTHYYYYYY!!!" n he gave me that cheely look on his face..then sarah all of them kept suaning me lahx..sarah dared iqbal to sae hi to tim in front of me so he did lahx..he stood up n shouted across the whole canteen "HEYX TIMOTHY!" i tell u, i was damn maluated lohs..i din even dare to look in his direction n whenever i juz turn my head, then they would sae "UR HEAD TODAE VERY FLEXIBLE, CAN TURN RIGHT N LEFT ARHX?"

"..haha..i tink i laughed the loudest..this ah yeo..i will hoot him soon..he told tim that someone likes him and tim is curious to find out whu lahx..wah lau!! he and his big fat mouth..haha..i dun like tim liaox.."

"Ah. It was graduation assembly yesterday. I didnt know what to expect but i am truly blessed to be part of the Ny family. i am really going to miss the teachers in Ny. Each of them left a message on the video montage and i nearly broke down. The lit teachers, mr seah and my toh sang us a farewell song, five for fighting. They were really passionate and sweet. argh argh, i really dont want to leave this place. i will miss the toilets, the library, the canteen, old A4/5 and the friends.
We cant disappoint our teachers so we all have to work hard for the next 5 weeks. We can do it.

thanks to eighties for all the wonderful letters and presents. Thanks to mr seah for the cd! It really brought back wonderful memories making the video. I AM MS TOMATO KETCHUP!!! HELL YEAH!!!! :)"


those were the days...
this entry started my day on the right note. i miss you all loads. :D
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



where art thou, eighties? i miss you all loads. looking back on past pictures and entries about eighties makes me realised that we have drifted apart. there is no point denying this because i am sure we are all aware of it. we just dont say and we just dont question. it really takes a common effort on everyone's part. i dont know about you all but i miss each of you so much.

if only i could turn back the clock, i will really treasure every minute i spent with u all in jc. (:

;

everything in its time.
the healing continues.
Monday, May 15, 2006
i made my first template for myself. haha. yes, it is a shakesphere's theme. (: i really love it. so it is good bye blogskins and i will be making my future templates myself. if some of you all didnt know, i was making blogskins templates and posting them on blogskins.com. but i have given up on it for now because of some big misunderstanding. so maybe i have made a wrong choice but i have closed that chapter and moved on.

perhaps one day, i will go back there and contribute somemore blogskins templates. will post my templates link in this blog soon. :)

;

lynn reminded me today on how close God is with me no matter how much i feel indifferent about it. i am reminded everyday since 2 weeks ago that you are here no matter how much i cant feel your presence. it is time to step up and allow Him to come back again. as much as i hate the way He has taken away alot of things that i treasured, i am constantly thankful that He is all i have and that matters the most. (:



letting go of me and holding on to you
freedom comes when i call you Lord
you are Lord, my God.
stay with me even if it is for one night
stay with me even if i dont see you
stay with me even if i fall apart
stay with me even if you are a million miles away.

i will be fine. (:
Saturday, May 13, 2006
in the distance, i shouted " why me?"
in the distance, i cried out for your help.
in the distance, i sat on the floor and sobbed.

the droplets flowed down like a river- disappointment and sadness overwhelmed me.
i was angry and i was frustrated. i was not angry at You but i was angry because there were no alternatives. the truth overwhelmed and consumed me. i could not escape and i could not hide. i knew you wanted me to embrace it but i was reluctant.

i called out for Your peace and in the distance, i could hear you say " my child, you are not alone."

but i still feel so far away from you, Lord. i feel that no matter how much i pray to you, it seems like you are always drifting further away from me. it is like you are completely gone and i am left here alone. where are you, Lord?

there is no distance ahead of me, is there?
i dont want any distance. i just want you.

;

let me find rest in my soul.
why me? why do i feel that You are taking away things from me?
why do people's decisions affect me so much?
why do i have to be judged time and time agian?
it does not make sense and i still dont see why i am wrong, Lord.

but i thank You for the peace that you have given me today. a peace that i found buried inside that is emerging and waiting to get out. i found out how your expectations are never the same as my expectations.

;

even with 6 more months to go, it feels like time is really against us. i just wish things didnt have to turn out this way. i just wish i really could have more time wtih you because i know at the end of the day, you will leave. it is painful and i can already see myself falling apart. i'm falling apart not because i am escaping from it but i am falling apart because i am truly embracing the situation. i am already getting a gimpse of what it is like to lose a sister like you. it scares me to know that we will be accepting more changes to come : different church and different school. i dont know why God is dealing us in this way and i dont know how am i going to accept the decisions that you will make.

;

deal with me in your own way, Lord. i am really tired of living in this mess.
Friday, May 12, 2006
the night falls and the city sleeps.
but i am wide awake and my soul is empty.
why dont i hear you in my silence?
why dont i hear you in my heart?
it is like you went on a long holiday
and you have yet to come home.

perhaps it is me. it is I who have chosen to walk this path alone for now. it is I who packed a suitcase catered for a long hiatus away from you. it is I who has chosen this harder way around.

so fill me, Lord. fill me even when i cant see or hear you. fill me because only your GRACE is sufficient for me. (:

;

so many things still left unsaid. so many questions left hanging and not answered. so many thoughts of staying hopeful but yet afraid to embrace them. yes, there are so many and the list continues. i am trying ; i am really trying to find the light.

;

how i wish time could stop right now.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
so..i did it and i dont know whether is it really nice or really dumb but it is a DAMN BIG CHANGE! so for the first time in history, i am actually going to post a picture of myself on this blog. but of course, you have to click on the link because i cant bear to see my face on my blog. HAHA.

CLICK BELOW :
http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h176/magnette/me.jpg


the picture looks better. i think it is weird when you see it upfront. fringe too short and the hair has no volume. i hope it will look better next week. why put a picture? actually, the main reason is because i want you all, my friends to get a grisp of how i look first and be MENTALLY PREPARED WHEN YOU FACE ME! haha. but i am prepared for mixed reactions and i know i will accept it graciously. i may have changed on the outside but the person inside is STLL me. (:

a new chapter, i cant wait. (:
Monday, May 08, 2006
i am going to embark on a big change tml. yup, going to rebond my hair and i am freaking out right now. i am just scared of what i will look like. but clara is right. as long as you are confident of how you look, people will be able to see it.

but i will be prepared for mixed reactions from people. yes God, you are good and i thank you for new found courage.

;

visited clara today. had great fun catching up with her and laughing like mad with her. (:
Sunday, May 07, 2006
HELLO STRANGERS! (:
HELLO WORLD! (:

i may not know you but thanks for stopping by.

;

my life feels like it is under the watchful eyes of many. haha. i dont know whether it is good or bad but it feels weird that people are reading even though they dont even know you. but i guess i should have expected that since i chose to have a public blog. (: i will continue to walk away now.

church was fine. got some unexpected news from a certain person who was close to me. perhaps one day, all of them will leave and i will be stuck not knowing what to do. at least for me, i know i have not reached the breaking point and i guess i am happy right now. i like to take it one step at the time and not thinking so much for everything is really in His time.

i will have to play a bigger role as a dgl now. yes, i dont know how am i going to do so but God, pls show me and guide me. (:
bu and jeff scared the hell out of me today. we had dinner at airport and it was fun catching up with them. those two are super funny people and they stole my carkey. then i couldnt find it halfway, started panicking and they said maybe i left it in the car. i walked towards the car. jeff took out the carkey and went in to sit in the driver's seat. OMG. i nearly fainted. i was freaking scared. i thought that i would have to call my dad to come down and give me the extra key.

no wonder those two were plotting before that. devious plan. (:

oh yah, got lost halfway back home. haha. thank God for jeff.

;

big 3 min presentation tml. God, you are in control.
Friday, May 05, 2006
so the last paper sucked like hell. i came out feeling disappointed and angry. to think i memorized the whole set of formulas and i bought a new calculator BUT in the end, no calculations was even needed for the exams. that made me mad because i could have spend more time learning on the content of the topics. i majorly screwed up and i know it. everyone would say " NO jeanette, you will do well. " let me tell you, i know i wont because i didnt know how to do almost all of the questions. i will be lucky if i can get a C for it. :p

so holidays start now but i dont know whether to feel happy or not. i mean, what a way to end off your exams!

;

wp rally was super good today. i bet there were around 100,000 people in there. it is amazing that even with such a big crowd, there is still order and you can sense that people will not get into fights or even riots. i love how it ended today even though the streets were packed with people. (:

;

it is time to get started on doing the things i want to do. yeah.(:
Thursday, May 04, 2006
one more to go. i am almost there. there were shouts of joy from people after the sw paper ended. i left quietly and let them scream their heads off. i am not going to complain because i believe i have done enough of that.

went for pap rally awhile across the stadium. now i am back here trying to study again. it is going to be another long night but i believe that these two nights of insufficient sleep will not be able to beat the fact that i can wake up as late as i want to for the rest of my 3 months break. WOOHOO! (:

too tired to think. i havent even started memorizing stuff. haiz, i just want to do my best and get out of the exam hall ASAP!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
my sw paper is tml and i havent even started on it. i have never been so unprepared for this paper. i really hope i can go in there and try to write something. well, at least i tried to look through climate notes for the third time. i hope i can remember something and go in there and try to score. my CAP score is going to screw up because of these two papers.

i wish i could care more about it but my whole freaking mind is only thinking about FREEDOM! gosh, i wish i could be more anxious about the whole exam fever. but yet i wish i didnt have to be one of the last few finishing their exams.

bleh. going to start studying again.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
CRAP QUEEN! <3

geog was nothing but hard!! maybe some felt it was easy but the questions were hard to start of with so all i can do now is let go let God. i am too tired to even think about it. the amount of bull i wrote equals to crapping. i couldnt even remember much from what i learnt. :p

three more days, 4 more hours.
Monday, May 01, 2006
oh i am feeling sooo freaking frustrated right now. it has been pretty unproductive so far and i suck at memorizing key phrases which explains why i am lagging so far behind. i doubt i will sleep much tonight because i am not even half done.

the whole day, i have just been having thoughts of ' i want to give up!', ' i dont want to study, ' i want to play.' and ' i dont care already! i just want to watch tv. ' argh, these four days are going to be THE longest and most traumatizing period of my life.

the only comfort i can give myself is ' IT IS ONLY 6 MORE HOURS OF EXAMS AND IT WILL BE OVER!' oh, i have purposely not mention to my brain that it will be another 96 hours of studying before everything is over. it is better to deceive yourself in times like these.

back to reality. bye. (: